.: Oxymoronic :.

Whoa! It’s been more than a hundred days since I last bared my soul
into this outlet. For starters, I think it has been THAT long. To say
the least, so many events, entities and emotions surrounded me in that
one-hundred-or-so days and nights. Of course, I’m not that boring!

I have been wanting to spill news about myself as of late but so much
has to get in the way of it. I will be starting to turn on my train of
thought and see where will I move along.

Since my last entry I have tried to make amends and find myself somehow
through people and foolish things that only taught me nothing more than
to be more mature and practical. Sometimes it had to come in that form.
I may still hurt from the last person who broke my heart but my
condition is getting better, I suppose. There are days when the
atmosphere is just so sullen and empty. I guess there is just some sort
of imbalance - people would wait in line just to fill the void created
by my last relationship (modesty aside) - yet I still yearn for the day
when all is left behind and we’re finally back together in complete
rapture. *SMACK!* Wake up, Pao! That’s a longshot, wait, more of an
impossibility. Yeah, it’s funny when I think of it: a string of
admirers versus a definite prick, I’m still choosing the prick.

Again, time has taught me well enough to know that crying over spilled
milk is useless, much more a waste of time. Yes, I did think of getting
back and concocting a devious plan to sabotage my ex but I realized
that it was not worth it. It came across my mind that exerting more
effort would mean I still care. I remembered: the opposite of love is
not hate, it’s indifference. Will I hate? No. Should I be indifferent?
Soon. For now, I’d like to repress.

On the other side of the coin, there are also those whom, for some
other unavoidable reason, I had to unintentionally hurt. Nevertheless,
I refuse to own these unfortunate circumstances. From what I can
recall, I had to bring myself into a point wherein I can willingly
accept and embrace what’s in front of me. I was very open to that. I
was transitioning. I was bridging the gap, but along the way, it just
collapsed. Maybe things aren’t just really in front of me - they were
shoved into my face. I was transitioning; though it looked like I was
being forcefully morphed. At one point I felt that I was being invaded.
I really did. Well, regardless of the situation I am in, I know that I
am a free spirit - caging me would mean losing me.

Should I be bothered by all these? I admit, I’m not evil. Sometimes I
think about these events and said to myself, "I should’ve given it
another shot." But it had its way of unraveling itself prematurely - it
just wouldn’t work, even if I try to. I guess it’s a blessing that it
happened this early. I may have hurt myself and someone else more if
set-ups were prolonged. It is just a circle. I am aware of that. Soon
enough, a complete revolution will occur.

What have I learned in the past 100 days? Primarily, it is to watch my
words. It never presented itself to me until now how words can be so
strong and how people will try to hold on to them, even to your
slightest murmurs. So, as part of the unending struggle to mature and
wisen up, I lean towards just keeping my mouth shut if I don’t mean a
thing.

Moreover, in this life, we cannot always have everything. Practicality
is always an issue. What you can gain against what will you give up.
It’s not just about the idea of falling into someone, but also making
sure that you still have yourself when you submit. I have learned that
emotions can never really be quantified, nor it can be used to justify
actions, approved or frowned at. The moves of any person who devours
the bond and becomes overly anxious to an irrational point can’t be
considered solid, nor fully admirable. It’s not what we look for. It’s
not selflessly consuming, it’s just self-aware.