.: Oxymoronic :.

Minsan naiisip ko kung may nagbabasa ba talaga ng blog ko.

Eversince the incident about this blog happened, I’ve been more than
determined and fueled to post more kasi I realized na may pumapansin
pala sa kanya. But lately, it hasn’t been the same feeling.

Is it because puro English ang pinopost ko? Na porke English =
kaartehan. Baka naman mahaba lang, kaya nakakatamad basahin. But come
to think of it, who would place such interest anyway?

Hindi naman kasi ‘to like other blogs that deal with somebody’s new
phone, new car, new laptop. Or maybe katulad nung blog nung bading na
mayaman. Marami yata siyang fans. Maybe they’re satisfied with their
own lives already that they just blab about things that we may consider
trivial. Kahit puro muhka niya nakapost, basta masabi lang na may bago
siyang pictures, happy na.

I don’t have enough material acquisitions I can talk about. Recently, I
realized, that I’m being too materialistic and obsessed about gadgets.
May bago akong LifeDrive na kapalit ng Treo ko. I actually can live
with just a K700i phone. Kahapon, may new ipods na naman na lumabas, of
course, the challenge na ako na naman ang maunang makakuha. But then,
what’s the point really? Ibabaon ko na naman ang sarili ko sa utang.
Kaya, hindi ako puwedeng mamatay e, I have a lot of financial
obligations.

On the surface, I don’t look like someone na madaming hang-ups sa
buhay. Siguro dahil palaging akong nagpapatawa. It’s funny and pathetic
even to have depended my sanity on a small space in the Internet. No
one seems to listen and monitor my progress when I tell friends about
it so at least dito I can re-read it all day, then I’m constantly
reminded of how awful my life has been.

Sigurado pagbalik ko ng trabaho problema na naman. Parang wala akong
ginagawang tama. Mababait naman yung agents ko pero ‘di ko sila
macontrol when it comes to their absenteeism. Maybe the lid is just too
low kaya di ako makagalaw. Hindi ko naman sila puwedeng sisihin eh. The
reason why mataas ang absenteeism rate ng team is because I suck in
regulating it. End of discussion.

Nobody knows me - kaya siguro walang maka-comment sa blog ko. Mahirap
din siguro ako intindihin. Though given na hindi umiikot sa ‘kin ang
mundo, so I shouldn’t expect to acquire anyone’s attention. Before, I
just sleep through messes and I’m ok the next day. But now, it doesn’t
work one iota. I don’t really have a tight group of friends na madali
lang tawagin so when I have free time during the weekends wala rin
akong gimik. Loser. Ni date nga wala, kahit nag-aaya ka na. Double
Loser.

Cursing wouldn’t work either. At times, gusto mo sila isa-isahin and
lash at them for playing with your emotions. But at the end of the day,
it’s just a waste of time. Akala mo ayun na, e hindi naman ako tanga. I
know when it’s over.

Siguro nga sobrang arte ko lang, but I can’t complain. I hate people
who complain a lot. Puro mura ang nasa bibig. Simpleng bagay, may side
comment. To an extent ganoon siguro ko, pero sa tingin ko no one will
ever have even the slightest idea of what I am dealing with. Who needs
to bother with it anyway?

Mabait naman akong tao. And I’ve got a lot to realize pa. I don’t need
advise; I know what I want to hear and what’s the logical thing to do.
I’m just having an episode of inadequacy.

I’ll visit my grandparents’ graves tomorrow. Maybe my issues are not for live people anymore.

The world may ought to end and
explode into smithereens but Sociology and Anthropology will never
cease to exist. Human behavior is simple but its interpretation makes
it complex. It’s amazing that after all these years, we are still
unable to read each other. Scientific exploits have barely narrowed it
to behavioral, psychological and even neurological responses. But
there’s an underlying cause for all these fiascos - perception.

Perception is the peeping hole to anyone’s personality. People, in
general just got tired and lazy that’s why they had to depend on it. I
guess that’s why we have first-impressions-last sayings, stereotypes
and stigmas. It’s easier to adjust our gears and assume quickly because
of the perceptions that we receive from others.

But boy, it can play tricks on you as well!

There was this middle-aged Chinese man who’s hanging out in the same
coffeeshop as I was. It was  appalling and a little bit irritating to
see him there because he looks so uneducated and dirty. All of a
sudden, a huge-@ss car came passing by and picked him up. Apparently
the barista was concerned on the startled look on my face when he said
that he owns a chain of stores in various markets in the metropolis.
Gawd, that man can easily buy me as his slave!

When I didn’t make the first time in my quest for a promotion, my
former TL Ferms said that my image has something to do with everything.
I really didn’t know what he meant that time but I could only conclude
that the reaction may have been driven by the stupid 80s costume (with
matching very short shorts) I wore to work in one of the company’s
theme days. Up to now, I’d still say that my ’stand-out’ approach to
such things is part of the reason why I’m not taken seriously. Clarence
said that if you want to become somebody or something, you just have to
dress the part. Wait a minute, can it be that perceivably visual?

In another similar situation, I asked my recruiter friend: if two guys
- one more attractive than the other - and both were equally qualified for
a single position, which one would he choose? With everything but
hesitation he replied by choosing the more handsome one simply because
he’d be appealing to the office. We’ll never know if this choice turned
out to be a bonus or a sentence, but one should think twice before competing
in anything against a hunk full of charisma and you look like a crook.

Perception through association is sadly widely-practiced in,
say…airports. When quick assessments had to be made, you cannot
plainly coast security if you don’t look Caucasian enough. I may be incorrect, but hey!

And just today I have yet another battle with perception and snap
judgments when I traded my phone to a medical doctor who happens to be
the moderator of the site where I posted the advert for my Treo. The
transaction went smoothly as it was ongoing, but as soon as I got home
I got a message from him that the data cable was busted. I was not
entirely concerned about the difficulty of replacing the thing but I
was more worried that he might think that I am a scammer. A slight
feeling of embarassment pinched me upon realizing this. Moreover, it’s
not the perceived notion but who was getting it. Would I have reacted
differently if he weren’t a doctor? Seriously, yes.

It still holds perhaps: perception is reality, though a curved one at that. It is bound to get wrong.

Every day it’s getting tougher.

It’s like being in a whirpool. Several moments each day I forget about
administration and billing statements. I always look for reasons to
stay put and observe. Yet, I definitely want to push. There is too much
confusion around me right now. It’s one step forward, two steps back.
Whenever I think that I made the next move, there’s something that
tells me I need to do more.

I am the type of person who knows how to get what I want, even for a
short time. But I’m not talking about sudden bursts. I am certain what
I need at the moment is something that’s gonna last. There is a need to
listen on who’s talking underneath though: pride, fear, instinct or
logic. Pride tells me to stand back and secure it first. The fear in me
whispers, "I don’t wanna get hurt anymore." To just suck it up and go
for it is something my instinct instructs. However, logic dictates
practicality.

Subtle hints are the only means that I can channel out my longing. I am
confined in a carnival surrounding wherein everything is an illusion.
With that, I can’t have my innermost sentiments be emblazoned. So, what
do I do? It doesn’t seem to work. Or am I being nonchalant? I can’t
just simply assume, you know.

I had been open about my plans and moves in the past but this time I
can’t go overt. Otherwise, negativity and paranoia will swarm me. Yes,
I’m stumped. It has been 18 months since I’ve had something torn off a
fairy tale, and I’m more than ready to engage myself into the
magic…but I’m lost. Part of me wants to get the hell over it and
connect. Although mostly, I’m just thinking of our own protection.

If I can only be judged based on my intentions, I’d be the happiest
person in the planet. My motives should’ve been obvious by now. If I’m
only targeting the superficial I would’ve bagged the prize long ago.
This is entirely different. To say that it is special is an
understatement. There’s more to this hollow, and colorful pit that I
can’t help but fall deeper and deeper the further I go.

Fact is, this is not a coincidence. Recently, I faced two paths with
only one to choose. One is familiar, easy and comfortable; I’ve been
there before. The other is unchartered, enormous and difficult to
tread. Oddly enough, I picked the latter. Why? A clincher played an
immense part of the decision making. I know clearly - it is confusing
now, but it’s gonna be sweet when I walk in it right.

I have done my part in beginning this destiny. Thus, introducing the
yin. Now I need to witness and experience the brilliance that can be
brought by the yang. Me being perplexed and doubtful at this point is
still in full anticipation of an unrealized intimate communion.

We need to complete a potential synergy.

It’s funny how I always have to take
things scientifically. There always have to be a ready proven
explanation on how people behave and react. I may have applied the same
to dating. At least I try not to over analyze. Most of the time, I just
connect the attitude of people on dating to common scientific realities
of life. Thus these stupid analogies…

One friend told me about dairy dating. It’s when dates often act like,
aptly, milk. When you freeze it, it sure will last for a long
time…but it is too cold. Drinking directly from the carton will
almost render it useless immediately. Milk, unlike any other kind of
drink, has to be put into a "vessel" to preserve its freshness.

Some would consider their dates as cellphone models. They’d change
partners as soon as the next "upgraded" model comes out. The more
megapixels the camera has, the better. It really doesn’t matter if it’s
needed or not, but they’re often acquired for form…not function.
Dates for displays much?

Catching a whole season of a TV series in 1 day can pretty much let you
achieve one thing - you really get what you wanted by quickly
succumbing yourself to the entire story - merely to "catch up with the
others". As what you get when you speed date, you never get to know the
other party fully. I’d say one night stands are part of it.

Frequently we find people who are very difficult to deal with. Pills
that are hard to swallow. Ironically, as bitter as they get from the
start, things will get better once they go about your ‘circulation’.

Some scientific facts though contradict each other. Electromagnetism
says: opposites attract. Why can’t water and oil mix? I guess no matter
how much we exert effort to ’set it up’, it will just never work.

Relationships, just like methodological factual concepts can go as
complicated as finding the slope of the curve with the parameter value
t given by

and sketching it to a plane; or drawing the Kreb’s Cycle. As for me, if there’s anything
scientifically proven I’ve considered to reflect on my current dating
status, they’re not from the ones at the top. Fact of the
matter is, I’d like to keep my equations simple:

Nung final interview ko last summer,
alam ko na gusto ko na sya the moment we laid glances at each other.
Akala ko trainer siya so I wished na sana matanggap ako rito. I did,
pero for a time ‘di ko siya naisip siguro dahil overwhelmed sa bagong
work. Eventually nung training, we crossed paths again.

I was surprised sa mga advances niya. Obviously, gusto niya
makipagflirt. Somebody said that type niya daw ako. Hindi naman ako
naniwala nung una pero kita daw sa kilos niya e. So sige, natuwa
ako…I mean I was totally excited! I reciprocated the actions,
hangga’t maaga pa so why waste time di ba?

Nagkaroon ako ng mga humps along the way. Hmmm…nakakaturn-off siya
minsan. I have certain standards that should be met pero when it comes
to clothing, culture and hygiene I can’t say na pinaka-OK siya. May ‘di
kaaya-aya sa kanya when it comes to that aspect. Pero, ewan ko ba para
sa ‘kin irresistable pa rin siya e.

Gusto ko na siya ligawan, kaya lang nakikita ko na close siya sa iba.
Seloso ako e, mataas pa ego level. So I was like a little crushed and
pissed off kasi akala ko exclusive yung attention niya. ‘Di pala,
mayroong iba, e mas matangkad at gwapo naman ako sa kanila e.

Kaya naguguluhan na nga ako e. What if ganoon pala talaga siya
mag-treat ng people, minisinterpret ko lang as fondness. I want to keep
my distance but tinatamaan pa rin ako ng selos. If ligawan ko nga siya,
kailan naman ako titiyempo? Natotorpe ako e, ngayon ko lang uli yun
naramdaman. Alam ko gusto ko siya but there are minor grooming and icky
issues that I need to address. What if di naman pala siya pumayag? Or
if ‘di siya nag-eentertain? Ay naku.

Ang daming  bagabag. If ‘if’s and but’s’ were candies and nuts, marshmallow na lang kakainin ko!