.: Oxymoronic :.

Things couldn’t get any worse at
work. I’m at that point in which waking up every day knowing you’d have
to go to the office is almost sickening. It’s as if I was back to my
grade school days when my Dad had to literally drag me to school until
my uniform is ripped off. It is the same feeling now.

The
working environment that I used to experience was conducive and light.
Full of promises. The corporate clock moved on and slowly business
became more serious and vicious. Respect and integrity turned
questionably strange and it seemed like the principles are hanging by
the finger. Personally, I know that I’ve planted a lot of seeds and
have already watched them grow to bear nourished fruits ready for the
picking. And yeah, crows attacked and destroyed all these. Only
semi-nobodies who earned it less than I did enjoy in the glory.
Everytime I see their faces I just wanna beat the hell out of them.
Effing unfair!

Am I bitter? Justifiably yes. It was I that
worked so hard to maintain my performance within their standards,
exposed myself to newer and much more difficult responsibilities, and
constantly showed flexibility to any changes they implement (which
sometimes directly affected me). I scratched and clawed my way into
competing. I breathe this yearning and earned my supposed reward, as
far as I’m concerned. I didn’t even consider it primarily cos what’s
more important for me is the good intention of taking in more
obligation. But then, it was all burst into pieces.

I may sound
like the Stress-tabs ad in here but I have no regrets. I know who I am
and what I’m capable of and I’m not gonna let this stupid setback ruin
me. I am not the only one. There are better things, for better people
like me. We’ll see…

Whenever  feel uncontrollable emotions, I always write prose, and deeper emotions make me write poetry. I have been really frustrated with work lately so I made a couple of poems to express my growing discontent of my working environment.

The Fallen

I saw the last hero
    only outlet of any known optimism
Fall and crumble
    in a terminal struggle
Smitten in lack of reason
Defeated without surrender
How sinister have the good
    been compromised
Withered.

I witness in disgust, disbelief
When the balance was turned
Shifted to another scale
Gargoyles stepped and used their thorned wings
    to block the dying bright light
All seen are oaks slowly infested
The once Strongwood
    dusted now to a beating
It was inside that was blown apart

I run away
    from the demented reality
The supreme has been eliminated
    stabbed behind their backs
Cruel machinations
    has turned the glorious
    to the beaten
    …mislead
    …slienced
    …the Fallen
How have they been the fallen ones…

I have always been amazed by Madonna. For me she is the epitome of reinvention. Ultimate female artist. Performer extraordinaire. She’s just plain grand. As old as my Mom and yet never fails to surprise her fans and detractors alike. With another transformation, she’s back to her dance roots and delivers her latest non-stop, all-dance studio album Confessions on a Dance Floor.

Now sporting a pink leotard reminiscent of the 70s disco era, she exposes her new album with the ABBA sampled Hung Up. The single instantly propelled its way to Number One in many countries for its catchy future disco sound and easy going lyrics -  discussing how fed up she is on waiting for her crush to make the move. Pleasantly enough, the whole album is stitched together as if it’s ready for club play. The next track Get Together is a trancy attempt at seduction. It’s like dating amidst bright lights and laser beams. The triple opening act is topped by Sorry in which she says the song title throughout some portions of the track in various languages, including the wrong translation in Dutch.

Several other samples are also included in this album, including Donna Summer’s I Feel Love in the 4th track Future Lovers. Let It Will Be talks about her journey to where she is right now and tells how quickly everything can disappear so we just have to ‘let it be’. Forbidden Love provides you guilty musical pleasure upon listening to "Are we supposed to be together?" I think the best transtition would have to go from the countdown on the end of this song on to the next one, Jump. The latter simply tells us to move on, go ahead, don’t look back and …jump! Right after the inspiration comes realization on How High wherein she talks about her struggles to become great but still questions "Was it all worth it?" but then retaliates with "I guess I deserve it."

Perhaps the accent of the album is the Kabbalah-inspired Isaac. It’s mystic nature accompanied by Hebrew chants definitely makes it the best mystery song of the batch. It also showcases a few lyrical paradoxes (Staring up into the heavens,in this hell that binds your hands) that makes it more cryptic. The album closes with the gratifying Push which shows thankfulness on the ‘push’ one gets when it is needed. Perfectly ending the dance party is Like It Or Not which tells everyone to take Madonna as she is, slowly fading to the sound of the guitar…and the club scene is put to rest.

Perhaps Madonna is still underrated as a songwriter. I must agree that she may not have that much on her arsenal. In I Love New York she rhymes New York with ‘dork’ which is just erratic, but we forgive her. It is well justified by the force she drives everyone to dance, thanks to this album, one of her best since Ray of Light.

I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my
soul.

William Earnest Henley could never be more right about
these lines. Life has a variety of choices and crossroads; it is gonna be
ultimately up to us to pick what to have and where to go. What happens after
that is solely our responsibility. We can attribute a triumph or disaster over
anything else but in the end it always have to be your behind on the line. We
are responsible for anything tha may or ay not happen.

Conversely, there are reasons why things are the way they
are  or why are we this way. Reasons beyond our control. Destiny and fate come
into play. For some strange circumstance we are simply bound somewhere. Our life
is like a commercial plane. A pilot drives the craft but if you just wanna coast
by, there’s always your auto-pilot.

I have been growing tired of taking the driver seat and
controlling my life in frustration. I’m almost at the snap point. - jaded of
certainty, plans, and guarantees. Screw it. Let everything be unexpected. From
here on, I wish to be fluid. I’ll coast.

Auto-pilot mode ON.

Benguet is not the same magnificence compared to what it was 12 years ago. Although, it can still very well deliver and live up to its name.

The end of January sent me and 4 of my colleagues and friends to an already pre-planned and anticipated trip to Baguio. I was contemplating of not going because I know for sure that half of my paycheck’s gonna be slashed in half for that vacation alone, and I’m not planning to spend that amount just like that. On the flipside, I haven’t been to the place for more than 10 years and there are a lot of memories that I want to recreate if possible.I still feel that I may need another time to relax. So what the heck.

As always, travelling there took a lot of time. 10 years back I messed the car up for I was puking the whole time; I didn’t exactly feel like barfing this time around. It was the first time I went to Baguio through public transportation, and it wasn’t that bad. I didn’t feel any discomfort. In my childhood, I suffered asthma attacks due to the sudden change of weather. I didn’t have to go through that this time.

Downtown Baguio has changed massively on so many levels. It’s industrialization, being one of the major differences has certainly eliminated the whole ‘country’ feel. (Hello, SM Mall!) Didn’t bother me much, the city has to be that way eventually.

Surprisingly, hotel accomodations were not that tight on the budget. Maybe we just went on the right season. Food was good, though most of at times we ate at restaurants  which are also located in Manila. There is this diner at Camp John Hay which is nostalgic of the 50s. Cool, for I was once considering a 50s motif for my bedroom.

Shopping in Baguio. Now you’re talking. There wasn’t any moment I went back to the hotel without bringing bags of goodies for either myself or for pasalubong. I have been yearning to get that Bul-ul rice god idol to add as an ornament to my soon-to-be Tribal Council inspired room. And I got it…for a very very good deal. Bless her soul, that store-owner lady. Some other stuff came with me home as well. It was an unstoppable spree.

But most importantly, I came to Baguio for one thing and one thing only: to reconnect with my childhood. When I was 2, I had a picture in this makeshift cemetery with negative attitudes buried in it instead of people. I forgot the name of the place but I really had to get there. I finally did and it was so satisfying to remember my childhood that way. I felt like my life has culminated and transitioned both at the same time. That, together with having to horseback ride again was simply  relaxing.

I may never be able to go outside of the country in a million years but Baguio is just 7 hours away…and I will get back there in a heartbeat!