.: Oxymoronic :.

Life can be tough on you sometimes. And just when you thought luck is running out, it just completely disappears.

Lately I have endured so much disturbance and failure in most aspects of my life. My family hasn’t been very supportive of my plans. Office life turned from perky and promising to stagnant and stressful. In turn, my social life has turned itself on its head. I haven’t been getting out lately and I missed a lot of night-outs and potential dates because of my swamped schedule. My body is not catching up anymore to the huge deviations on my sleeping habits (I think I have developed narcolepsy in the process).

On top of them, I have been longing to reassess my emotions and figure out which people I have true feelings for. Events when it comes to relationships have taken their toll on me and there’s no way to distinguish true from playful feelings. I had to know if I have sincere intentions.

In this daunting life, I just want to break free from all of this confusion. I had it up to my neck and I simply cannot take it any minute portion of it anymore. I had to get away…and fly.

To my delight I was invited by my former team to join their team building activities. It was the only chance that I could get at that time so what the heck, I went with them. Destination: a beach resort in Batangas. Yeah, yeah, it’s not as magnificent as the falls or the caves but it’s as close to nature as I get - the perfect scenario for soul searching.

Most of my companions came there simply to have a good time. Perhaps, share a bottle of booze or two. Maybe some would like to celebrate their love for their boyfriends or girlfriends and make more promises of their devotions. I came there to find myself. Find answers. Solace.

Instead of bringing a bunch of beach paraphernalia, my journal and ambient music came along with me. I knew I had a plan on that day and I’m not gonna let it go. I went to the shore, sat down, placed my headset between my head and  played Bebel Gilberto’s "Tanto Tempo" album. I faced the beach and looked at the sky; it was a soothing sensation realizing that there’s not a single building in sight. I wrote my heart out - all my frustrations, ambitions, lost opportunities and things that I am thankful for. I purged any feelings of guilt, desperation, distress, discontentment, apathy, and mental dyslexia. The calmness of the surroundings has made it possible for the negative energy to be repelled.

Since this was supposed to be a get-together with my colleagues, I had to spend time to interact. In the evening, my closest buddy from the group initiated a talk. We have been telling each other our opinions and feelings on stuff recently but on that night, it was absolute that our friendship is gonna be long-term provably. Actually, I felt more flattered than anything else because he entrusted me with these stories that I didn’t expect hearing from him. Ironically, I became the shrink when it was me who should be seeking psychiatric assistance.

The night canvass was an important element to this epiphany. Just by plain lying down on the beach and gazing at the glitters emblazoned in the sky will make one appreciate the value of taking a time-off and releasing of one’s self. It sure made heaps of difference for me.

Dawn came and I barely slept. At that point, rest is of little essence. I spent twilight to sunrise walking down the shore, continuing to question the reasons I ended up this way. As Gospel music continues to flow inside my ears, tears came running down my cheeks without my knowledge. It was a sudden flashback and realization of how things are and why they are thusly. There is a man-made rock formation at the edge of the beach and on its top I stood up and poured my heart out. All my tears were washed away by the sea and the darkness has been taken away by the light of the sun. It was the first good cry I had in two years and I’m so relieved to have done all that. Half of the world’s burdens are lifted off my back. The shackles on my feet are now broken. I am free at the moment…emancipated. 

Life may be full of boulders along the way, yet some of these can be moved and we can walk the path again, unharmed.

I have always had acquired tastes.

I don’t
necessarily follow the latest fashion trends, watch the hit TV series, or go to
the latest hangout. I just go when it’s fine by or comfortable for me. Same goes
with music.

In general, I dig popular music. I like very catchy tunes and
teeny-bopper sounds. Well, pop is pop, so I guess that’s how I like it. My
tastes in music only revolved around pop, rnb, dance.house/trance, and a lil
alternative. Modern radio category. But then, I got to watch American Idol 2003.
That’s how my knowledge and appreciation of music changed. Just by watching the
weekly competition and as themes for each week differed, I got to accept and
like all other genres. I definitely found a new love in Motown Music.

With
today’s Electronica, Progressive House, and Remixes, there’s no doubt that most
music created at present are electronically altered. Voices and instruments are
more often than not synthesized to produce a rather less authentic musical
sound. It’s always a welcome change to listen to more natural sounding
instruments other than those which are computerized. Having said that, my
fascination for 60’s soul music, particularly the popular Motown has increased
as I continue to listen to more of their songs and research on their musical
backgrounds. Ultimately, their kind of music is simplistic enough. Sycopated
drum beats, doo-wopers doing back-up vocals, and trumpets accompanying the
upbeat melodies are the most noticable elements of songs of this genre. Sure, if
you listen to the song "Where Did Our Love Go?" by The Supremes, nobody has
belted a heavy note on the entire song; but the mixture of melodies and voices
propelled it to Number 1 in the Hit Chart. That is just one example. You get the
drift.

Of course, I still dig popular music but Motown is a phenomenon of
its own. 

It’s a brand new year so I guess I better start using this
feature. It’s kind of a shift to a new gear as I open 2006.

I can fairly say that I did fairly well in 2005. The
whole year passed by like a breeze. It’s the first whole year na nagttrabaho
ako. A lot has happened, career-wise. Naconfirm yung promotion ko to Tier 2
agent. Kind of a feat na ren if you’ll look at it.Then, I survived a
threathening dengue attack last February that almost killed me. I would say that
I’m still blessed that I didn’t have to suffer much; heck, I even went on a date
the day after my release from the hospital! Marami ring malungkot and
disappointments, just like my failed attempt, yet again at relationships.

But despite that, maganda pren ang kinalabasa ng taong
ito. I have learned a lot about myself, and what I can do. I’ve realized that
the world does not live on fairness but on the extra. It’s really not about
getting what you deserve but getting it because you earned it. Magandang isipin
yun. At least wala na akong panahon para magreklamo at magvent. I think it’s
more important to be proactive rather than the one na puro comment at sita sita
lang. Additionally, I learned about my limitations. Mas nadagdagan ang pride at
pasensya ko sa katawan. Nakaya kong tiiisin ang dapat. I got my emotions on
check. It’s really tough in the real world.

Ngayon, all I’d like to do is just keep on believing.
There is so much in store this year and hopefully maging maganda ang kalabasan
nito. I really pray that the promotion I’m dreaming of will finally materialize.
Good things come for those who wait. I think I waited long enough. God knows
that it’s the only thing I aspire for more than having a good
relationship…well, siguro car na den. Hehehe.

I will write more often. Parang okay mag-write in
Taglish.