I guess it’s time for me to do it.
Time for me to try things on my own.
Let go.
Grow.
Take on a higher mountain.
Swim to the open shore.
I don’t want greener grass. I want a flower garden.
Throw away the old.
Get something brand new.
It’s time.
I am new.
I am spinning around.
I am going to change.
I am leaving.
I am going to change.
I am going to change…
Time Out. Recess.
Yield.
To be continued…
…elsewhere.
It is my fifth day here in Cebu and it’s a Saturday. Wonder why I didn’t go out to check the night scene here on weekends and decided to torture myself in the confines of the Internet Cafe? You probably might think that I’m such a dependent on the web. It is correct, to an extent but it has reasons. One, I don’t have friends in here whom I would hang out with. I didn’t get a message from my former sup Dell who happens to live here already. Kat is in Negros and won’t be able to swing by. Gary hasn’t replied to my messages (maybe she changed numbers). Two, there’s nothing to be seen here anyway. I’m not a party-goer and I would prefer a weekend alone. Besides, that’s not what I came here for. Three, I need to be online to check out my friends and probably get a free psychiatric consultation. Four, this update.
As mentioned, I’ve been here for five days. What has happened in that period of time? In summation, almost nothing to say that I am ready to go home. I’m halfway my vacation/jobhunt and every minute counts. My pursuit of work here in the city is becoming unlikely. Maybe you’re confused as to why I am looking for a job here. No, I have not left my job in Manila and I’m very very happy with what I’m doing at the moment. I believe that my job as a supervisor there is already turning its way up and I couldn’t be happier. But I guess it’s one of those days when a banana was on the floor and I slipped on it…leading me to another destination. Things could just change just like that, and I didn’t realize that my world is getting bigger.
It was about the same time last year when I was faced with the same situation. My friends would know what happened to that endeavor and now I’m still enjoying the fruits of my risks and hardwork. Now, I am yet in front of another challenge harder than the previous one. But still, I was very willing enough to take it in despite that uncertainty of its results. My energy is slowly being depleted as the days go by and I haven’t gotten any progress. I, however, am not losing hope. I still won nonetheless, although not completely.
Going here in Cebu has been an ongoing idea of mine for almost a year and I believe that it would define my adulthood for some reason. I am finally on my way to realizing that dream. I guess I have realized that dream. The main reason why I went here in the first place is now in my reach but then the world is not always nodding a yes to what I do. Good intentions doesn’t always mean agreeance.
This is a difficult, but not an impossible task. Right now, I’m just pressured because it will be only a matter of days until I get back to Manila, and I still got pending issues here. But one thing’s for sure, my spirits are not dampened. I’m going to see this dream onto its completion. I have come. I have seen; and I will be conquering this challenge. I know I’m strong and I have all the motivation in the world to make this dream come true. I want to change the world right now so everything will be fine.
Sometimes I even surprise myself of the things I do. Stupid? I guess. But I have to go through this…so I can be happier.
In my second day here in Cebu I decided to put an end to my chest problem. Thank you for my HMO card being capable of being used nationwide so I got my consultation for free. So I got my chest examined through another ECG. Surprisingly, it is NOW normal and it was found out that I only have Costochondritis, an inflammation of the ribs. I am feeling better now after taking the drugs and can have peace of mind now.
Imagine, a check up that required more than 4 weeks to be determined Manila (even incorrectly) only took 50 minutes here in Cebu. I could die of panic in Manila. It’s just one of the many reasons why I love Cebu now!
Now my anxiety attacks have skyrocketed to 1000% and my paranoia is at
an all-time high. I shouldn’t be getting any idle moments because
having such would only cause me to think of rather unpleasant stuff
about what I’m feeling.
I have been having issues with my chest and I’m growing really weary of
it. I have made so much research on the Internet so that I can fully
distinguish what type of condition I am having. I know that this isn’t
something heart related at least because most of the symptoms aren’t
saying so. It is just on the surface. I can still go to work regularly
and do tasks without obvious difficulty. However, my mind won’t rest
with the things I learn everyday from search results I put on Google. I
have avoided caffeine intake as well for it keeps me up at night like
nobody’s business; not to mention that drinking coffee triggers a
feeling of panic that I can safely identify as paranoia. Again, having
a major issue with my heart is something that I am simply fearful of.
My ECG results came out today and having to read words like "abnormal"
and "unspecified" almost drove me nuts. I have to endure a few more
days of misery since I have to wait for my doctor to interpret the
results. This has been ongoing for 2 weeks already and I seem to be
staying this way. For me, that’s a good thing.
It is ironic that when I started going to the gym and stopped smoking,
this happened. Lifestyles like the one related to my job could
potentially be adverse to my health and I’m taking any available step
to prevent it from occurring. I hope that this is only minor because
even a drop of blood in my lips freaks me out big-time!
Sigh…
The
funny thing with destiny is that sometimes it is unexpectedly sweet.
Things may come at the last minute, almost all the time. What really
separates the planned from the moments of total shock can usually be a
simple gesture, a single word, or perhaps just one person who blew our
socks off.
It
is inevitable. Sooner or later I have to give in. I have given in. I
have made up my mind. There is no more turning back. I am prepared to
abandon the routine, throw away the conventional and embrace
spontaneity.
Is
this my destiny? I know not what. It is not a walk into the unknown,
rather, a step towards a brand new scenario of potential bliss.
I am coming for you.
Finally after a long period of destitution and enclosure, brightness
and anticipation seem to render the devoid defeated. Observingly, the
rays of light get absorbed and a sheer glow of positivity is
emblazoned. Needless to say, sparks of crossing over and shapes of real
feelings of rapture begin to form and come to life.
I have never been this restlessly happy and profusely excited in a long time.
Today is simply pivotal.
As most of you don’t know yet, I’ve been treading some huge potholes
lately. It’s not really important to discuss them one by one but
needless to say these circumstances are continuously depleting my
energy. People seem to have a way of rubbing it to my face. From my
standpoint, I’ve always believed in diplomatic conversations and
straight up compromise but right now, I am being abused. So, if
that didn’t work, the only thing to do is to enforce. They will not
make fun of me this way. The gloves are coming off. From now it’s just
gonna be ‘Do Good!’ or ‘Good-bye!’
Planning the Cure
I guess I couldn’t count out the better things the schedule is gonna
bring me and to my team. Yes, I will be on the ‘petiks’ shift again!
The afternoon shift is so idle that I can think of so many projects for
my team. It may not be very productive of a schedule but I know we will
be focusing more on the other metrics, or else!
Also, the long-awaited Team Building will finally materialize. Most of
us have blocked days-off so this will happen. I am in the planning
stages on how to make this worth every moment so I wanna make it work.
Looking Forward
The last 4 months have been total chaos when it comes to life at the
office. But I’m the kind of person who’s very passionate about his
work. Elvin said that I’m not that awful as a boss it’s just that, my
people are unruly. He may be right. Sometimes, they don’t have that
strain of decency in them. I became a supervisor for a reason; and that
is: the kind of professionalism and respect for my job and co-workers
than any of my problem agents will ever have. So, I am just gonna treat
them like they are. How is it so hard? All I ask of them is to go to
work and do their job well…and use their sense of guilt.
Every day is just like a breeze. Sit down. Stand up. Direct. Control.
Throw a little hissy fit. Praise. Reward. Be flattered. Count admirers.
Sit down again and do a smug smile. No struggle. I am a total
powerhouse of confidence. Walking without worry.
I count my blessings each passing day. Due gratitude is given to things
I acquire and experience. Sometimes, mood swings and frustration get in
the way but just a like a sudden spark, it’s relatively temporary. All
I become out of them is a reinforced fortress. All better. Much
improved.
Everything changes in solitude.
All I am is a mere turtle. Treading so sluggishly and delicately. Only
protected by a carapace of pretend. A hollow, heavy mass with no other
purpose but to encase a feeble, vulnerable spirit of false longing and
pride. With a dire intention of eliminating self-guilt and
desolateness, the turtle that I am chose to carry the external burden
rather than impetuously sprint to the ocean of surrender.
I, the turtle, definitely is crawling, but it’s crawling nonetheless.
Yet, the sea will consume me and I can glide lightly and freely.
Still, I’d rather have the shell crushed and expose how yearning I am after all this time…
I woke up at 4:43AM today to feeling my phone vibrate. It was Kat. I
wonder why she was calling. I wasn’t able to pick it up ‘cos it stopped
ringing. In about 6 minutes my phone sounded an alarm. It’s time to
wake up. Hell! It’s my rest day, why am I waking up so damn early? Oh
yeah, right. Jogging.
The first attack on the battle for wellness and getting pretty has been
made. This is the first time I’ll ever be jogging alone. Eversince Kat
and I found some incredibly skewed numbers pertaining to my fatness,
and through her first draw in the jogging frenzy, I was more than
determined to lose some pounds and inches. I wasn’t really sure how to
go to the park for I’m so accustomed to bringing a pack with me. Well,
I just snapped and clipped everything to my gym shorts. I couldn’t leave without
my iPod of course, though it’s a little bit on the heavy side; but I
was reminded of what Migz told me that I need to have music flowing
through my ear canals when I run.
I probably ran about…oh I don’t know I’m atrocious with units of
distance!! Let’s just say, from the Manila Hotel to the Coconut Palace
(TAR5, anyone?) and back. You have to consider it’s my first time so
there were walking here and there, but I’m proud of myself for having
done the distance so. By the way, I could’ve made a few more dashes but then it started to drizzle. Oh, well, I don’t wanna push myself that far anyhow.
Running within that area didn’t bore me; I would’ve quit in the
first 3 rounds if I were around the UST Grandstand. It’s a good enough
challenge, at least. I wasn’t bored, and was not absent-minded either. Some
people jog all of a sudden when things bother them. I am not sad today.
The force that drives me to step into my running shoes is not purely
emotional, it’s practical…or out of desperation…haha!
Kat has upped the ante by enrolling to a gym. There’s no more turning
back!!! The fight to stay healthy and attractive has gone intense. It’s
long overdue anyway.
…and as we always say: Here’s to getting pretty(ier)! ^_^
My legs hurt…
My summer travels went a little early again this year. Once again, same
reasons - hot weather, crowded transportations and basically for it’s
just a disturbance. Especially in beaches. All of that changed when I
went to Pagudpud.
I can never begin exclaiming my delight in having to visit the place.
Sure, it was a grueling 12-hour bus trip from Manila to Ilocos Norte but
man!, it sure was worth it. There were so many sights for sore eyes and
too little time to enjoy them all. Nonetheless, a quick tour of the
town was all I need to discard my initial thoughts about seasonal
vacations. My excitement couldn’t be contained even before I set foot on
the bus from Manila. Research from the internet held a lot of promise
that didn’t fail to deliver.
It was the perfect time to be there. The place was not crowded and it’s
just pre-peak season. As a matter of fact, we were the only ones in the
resort when we arrived, and it was a weekend! As soon as I saw just a
glimpse of the beach I was stunned. It’s not like any other beach with
too much goings-on the shore. It’s simply beach. Beautiful. The clear
and cool waters didn’t disappoint. There were parts of the shoreline that aren’t
concrete yet. It 
definitely looks like the Morgan Beach from
Survivor: Pearl Islands. Relief was the
only thing I felt while walking on the stretch of the beach and watching the sun getting devoured by
the sea from afar. At that point, I knew I made the right choice of
going here, eventhough I was already scorched from staying there for
too long!
Most of the exploration were done on the next day. Aboard a meager
tricycle we toured the remainder of the town’s wonders. First stop:
Kaibigan Falls. The trek was about 30 minutes and the path going to the
source of the water gets better as we move along - running water
hitting the rocks. Upon arriving to the falls, I was just overwhelmed.
I’ve always wanted to see a
falls so by just witnessing something as
magnificent as this really blew me away. It was so peaceful. No
mechanical, unnatural noises. No people. Just plain splashes and flows.
I thanked God for this wonderful creation and also threw all unwanted
emotional baggages and left them all to drift away. This is the single
most defining experience of this trip.
There is a string of beaches that surround the whole town. 
Yes, they’re
not as beautiful as the ones in Boracay but it’s virgin beauty of their
own. It feels kind of that in the TV show Lost. We even went as far as
the North Wind Bangui Bay Project. It’s a 15-tower wind that supplies
30% of Ilocos Norte’s electricity. A nice man-made structure as well.
Nothing beats this vacation in Pagudpud (so far). I definitely need to
top this and get somewhere better. Tell me if you’re going there,
I’d join you!
More photos and videos here.
Side Anecdote: You might wonder who was with me that time. Let’s just
say I want to keep the positive parallelism of this entry and keep
those wasted years away. Okay! It was a long-time, big-time crush that
didn’t turn out any fine for me after all. Especially after that weekend. Too bad.
